Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
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just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
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Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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