Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize