we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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