Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
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I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
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I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
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