I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Dignity is for republicans.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize