I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
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My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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