I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
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She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
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Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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