I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
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it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
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My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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