I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
