just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I would fuck him just for his dog
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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