Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
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Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
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We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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