I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
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Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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