Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
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Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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