Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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