I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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