you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
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He called his prostate his "boner button".
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
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Brb crying the tears of my youth
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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