I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
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I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
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No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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