I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
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If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
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I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
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