mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
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