I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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