the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
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love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
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You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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