absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
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It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
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I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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