I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
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If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
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I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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