Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize