I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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