tequila makes me forget i have legs
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
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Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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