im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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