I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
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He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
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I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Text me some of your sweat
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