i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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