One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
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I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
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We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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