i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I want to make a zoo with you.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
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at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
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Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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