how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
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You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
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Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
me + whiskey = a bad person
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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