There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
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Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
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Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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