i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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