I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
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