What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
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just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
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Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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