the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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