I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
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In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
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Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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