I can text with my tongue
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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