I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
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Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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