I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I just blew my weed a kiss
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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