Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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