There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
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