if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
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The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
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