Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
He kissed a someone with a penis
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize