I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
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He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
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I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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