I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
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He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
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say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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