after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
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do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
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Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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