when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
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His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
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I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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