hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
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the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
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He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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